All By Myself
Colin Palmer
Asear didn’t know what it was
The climb was clear, air like silk
The roaring waves
Steps of foam
Pounding only in her head.
Ticking, a constant annoyance
But no hesitation,
A desperate desire to roam.
The first tentative step
Unleashed a flow of
Forward momentum, up,
The only way to go.
The obscure wreckage
An inanimate distraction,
Simple to ignore
Obviously not foe.
She paused only that once
At the first step,
Life will be better, anywhere,
Her own voices said.
Mired now with confidence
Internal heart of steel
Onward she went, and upward,
Following her head.
Almost half-way, memories,
Dread, thoughts and fears
Horrors from before
Crossed her mind.
She did not falter, lost in
Visions of ogres, monsters,
Terrors she’d escaped,
That of the human kind.
A loathing so deep
No hate has surpassed,
Of parents manipulating
Their one and only child.
Asear was so fair,
Her mother grotesque,
Father the leader
A pack worse than wild.
Regular, daily, unholy demands,
No child should be wounded
By those that should
Love and respect.
Suffer she did, every day
At times so bad,
Leaving the home,
An impossible prospect.
Lest those outside
Should see her scars,
Ask questions
For which she could not respond.
Always the threat hung near,
Inside her pretty head,
Impossible to forget --
Never tell, never abscond.
Her last birthday,
A fleeting memory
Of happiness for a brief time,
Until the monsters acted.
She’d run to her room,
Short elation dissolved
Celebrations over,
Worst fears protracted.
The abuse, the beatings
Went on for years.
Not a single kind soul
Sort to interfere.
The escape unplanned,
For self-preservation,
From pure clarity of thought
She forever strove to hear.
And now, as those
Final steps loomed,
The bouncing hands of time
Annointed her presence.
Faster and faster they spun,
Asking questions, giving choice,
Wanting answers,
Providing acceptance.
Asear announced her desire
Poised on the top step,
The spinning hands propped,
A doorway appeared.
“Come home,” the vile voices
From behind, inside her laughter,
Followed by screams and threats --
Her inner strength persevered.
She stepped through the door
Nary a look at what might follow,
In front was life’s colours
Behind was only black.
“Welcome, welcome,”
A new sing-song voice intervened,
The doorway closed,
Sealing off her flashbacks.
Wide eyes full of wonder
A delight never before shared
Of comfort and warmth,
No more despair.
She grew accustomed to
Her new surrounds
But stood still, trembling, a little,
All was new here.
A giant green panda waddled past
Glanced at her face
Laughed with glee!
Then to her surprise,
Approached and spoke
But not aloud
Inside her head,
The umbilical eyes.
Not a trace of fear
Did she feel
As she slid into the
Friendly embrace,
Of her new, furry green friend
One of many to come
Here, in her new home,
Her new safe place.
The panda, his name was Joel,
Flopped down in a funny motion
Gestured for her to follow
So he could give her the juice.
He swept his paws often
To make a point
But never once asked
About her abuse.
It seemed like days passed
As Joel talked and talked
His questions about desires and dreams,
Not where she came from.
When finally she voice
Why he didn’t ask of the past,
He winked and sang,
“of glum we are numb.”
Accept and move on
Forever forward, his lesson --
Do what you can
Always remain positive.
With new found delight
She hugged him with glee
Thankful for his
Formative, forgiving, narrative.
A generation, more,
Millennia went by,
Asear lived her life happy
Completely obliterating the past.
She swam in warm waters
Coddled by fairy-tale creatures
Always smiling in return
Confident at last.
Behind her neon world,
Behind the loving beasts of
Heavenly nature,
Behind the
clock of spinning despair.
Behind the wreckage,
The surging, tugging surf,
Behind the steps she’d taken,
The climb up the stairs.
Behind, the light above
The prostrate form of a little girl,
Lay in coma
In a hospital room.
Six months they had waited
For her to pull through,
Then extracted the baby
From her near lifeless womb.
The excuse from the fleeing pair,
Monsters of her past,
Never to be known.
A lesson for their new prey --
Act sooner than her mother did
Or perhaps her birth mother
Shall awaken, or return,
Neither best not delay.
In the hospital bed
Pupils crawl behind tight eyes,
In the other neon world
She goes on, reality in abeyance.
Inside, a slight stirring
Of recognition
Of loss and regret
But no time for patience.
The years go on
The baby of course grows,
And one night, fueled on alcohol,
The ogres overwhelmingly react.
The girl in the hospital room
Pulls herself erect,
The other girl in her neon world
Suddenly, aspires to go back.
Joel is full of sympathy
And heady, straight advice
Plus warnings of more literal kind,
That she cannot return.
Once gone is gone,
But he understands, and
Lies prone her to mount --
Speed he must burn.
“What of you?” Asear asks.
Her immediate concern
That Joel should get back safely --
In her world he’d be at risk.
His permanent smile appraised her
Friendly grin suggesting jest
“Do not be afraid,
Put your mind at rest.”
Asear hugged him
Warm tears of gratitude,
Then leapt upon his furry green back
Clutching desperately to his pelt.
A tear splashed down,
His green did dissolve
To her horror, his jerky reaction
Showed he had felt.
She dismounted quickly
Before Joel came to stride,
Cupped his huge woolly face
With the permanent grin.
“I’m killing you with my tears,
This cannot be, I love you,
I will not see you hurt,”
Asear sobbed to him.
“Nonsense, my dear”
Joel did smile,
“climb aboard,
We have no time for this --
In dire need is your child.”
Asear’s tears flowed at
Joel’s kind words.
He went on,
“Hurry sweet girl, hurry,
We’ve no time to bide.”
He lurched and sprang
With Asear safely hitched,
They streaked like a green cloud
Trailed by green mist,
Across the neon lands they soared
Through the clock of despair,
The stairs in one leap,
The crashing waves a mere tryst.
Only seconds passed
But Asear felt the change
As her adroit mind began
To open, her body grew.
She glanced down in awe
Saw two legs that were not hers,
The legs of an adult
As her reality broke through.
Their arrival at her
Home from the dark past,
Coincided with a young woman
Who smiled, “together at last.”
The two halves co-joined,
Combined to make one whole,
An impervious, maternal blend
That knew to act fast.
With Joel at their shoulder
His coat half green and half white
They thundered inside
Not a moment too soon.
Their young daughter did they snatch
From the arms of their dark papa
The glare of their monstrous mama
They faced off the mismatched.
The father roared, made a
Desperate dive, not wanting to
Lose his prize.
No recognition
Of the daughter he’d abused
And forever lost.
“Who are you? Give her back,”
He yelled from screwed face,
Not opposed to using fear as a ruse.
Asear quickly swivelled,
Shielded her girl,
Lifting one arm to fend
Off the advance.
But Joel leapt forward
Propped between she and he,
Opened his gigantic maw
Negating any chance.
Father halted, shock at
This green and white monstrosity
That could not be real,
Absolutely no possibility.
He darted and lunged, and yelled,
His triumph premature
As Joel swallowed him whole
Like some delicacy.
To the mother Joel faced,
Her terror and fear etched
Into her hideous features but
Asear stepped forward.
She intervened, cradling her dear
Child in protective arms
Studying her once mother --
A monster now cornered.
She turned her back
On the slinking woman
And spoke instead to
Her child and Joel,
“We have a place, a home,
With safety and warmth,
Leave this wretched thing,
I’ll not be so cruel.”
Joel’s grin never faded
As he nodded assent,
Asear, without a glance,
Walked out, expecting he’d follow.
She cupped her girl’s arms,
Let her slide to the ground,
Saw her own face,
Cheeks sunken and hollow.
“I’m you’re mama, sweet girl,
Did those, those monsters
Give you a name?”
The little girl nodded.
Her soft voice cooed,
“I am Claudia,
We are one and the same,” --
Asear was besotted.
“It’s true my sweet Claudia,
We are more than just one.”
Then frowned as she realised
Joel had not come.
She spun around,
The door stood ajar.
No sound came to her,
From inside the slum.
At the same time her mind
Was asking her this:
A green panda?
Surely,
Surely you jest?
No warm waters,
Friendly, furry beasts
No spinning clock
No steps on the beach.
She looked back at her child
Her frown disappeared
The innocence of youth
So appealing and fresh.
Asear held out her hand,
An
invitation Claudia did not miss.
Home sweet home
A family refreshed.
They walked together inside
Comfortable with their kin,
Closed the door on their
New, special beginning.
Mother and child
Separate once but whole again,
No trace of the horror
That once was within.
In a far away place,
A strange big green bear
With huge white splotches
In his mangy fur,
Stood over the cringing
Form of a desperate
Crying woman, pleading
For the bear’s succour.
“Not a single chance,”
The bear grinned at her,
“You will be my meal
Forever more.”
She dropped her arms
As the bear leaped,
Mouth agape, teeth bared,
This daily encore.
The next day was the same,
And again after that,
Forever waiting, knowing
Yesterday, today, tomorrow her fate.
Because she failed in her duties
To her daughter in need,
The trial, her punishment, her
Daily death she must meet.
Asear and Claudia, mother and
Child lived full happy lives,
With no recollection of
What passed before.
Except now and then both
Share a shining dream,
A smiling green panda, a clock,
And strange stairs on a seashore.
~~~~~~~~~
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