By
Josh Darling
“You two boys doing the gay cop thing tonight? You look old for trick ‘r treating?” he wore a red foam wiener that extended off the top of his head and down to his knees with a black unitard underneath. His costume started out as a giant hotdog, but the bun made him too hot so he removed it.
"No, we’re real police officers. As you can see we have the cruiser. Sir, can we come in and talk with you?” The officer holding the bags said.
"Oh my,” said the wiener without a bun, “Then why do you have the goody bags? Those are for the kiddies who want chocolates.”
“Sir, that’s what we want to talk to you about. Can we come in?” the partner said.
Opening the door the rest of the way he allowed the officers into his home. He moved through the various shades of white and crème colors making up his décor. The cops followed. The officer carrying plastic goody bags rustled as he walked.
Spotted on the walls were happy skeletons and smiling bats. Halloween decorations hung inside for the homeowner and no one else. The red wiener sat on his couch feeling sexy, like Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct.” He looked over the patrolmen, “So what can I do you for, you officers of the law?”
“We’ve had some complaints.”
“What kind of complaints?”
“Specifically from parents, about you…”
“About me?” he put a hand on the fake red meat over his chest.
“Yes, that you’ve put waste matter in the kiddies bags.”
“Like garbage? Who would do a terrible thing like that? That’s just God awful.”
“No sir. That you’ve been handing out human waste matter.”
He held up his hands, “As you can see my hands are clean.”
The cop holding the bags full of candy raised them. “Sir, I got a half a dozen bags here, all with fecal matter mixed in with the candy. Now how do you suppose it got there?”
“That’s a good question, but how many bags you got there? Whom do you know, who can make six maybe seven turds in a day? Do I look like some kind of superhero to you? Do you think I have the power to process that much food and make that many fresh turds?”
“I’m not saying I know where you got them. Did you put human waste matter into these kid trick ‘r treat bags? Sir, yes or no?”
“I would have to be farming turds to pull off what you are talking about. Do I look like a turd farmer to you?”
“Make this easy on yourself, we got eight witnesses. Have you had any company over?” his hands went for his handcuffs.
“Things going to get kinky officer?” the wiener winked.
The officer holding the bags put his index finger to his lips, “Shush.”
The sound of kids and cars outside penetrated into house.
“Did you hear that?”
“It was probably one of my electronic goblins outside. They make so much noise. Mwhahahahah,” his face lit up with sinister joy imitating the animatronic demon guarding his walkway.
“Sir, be quiet.”
“This is my home and I have the freedom of speech in—“
“Sir.”
More kids, more cars, a dog barked in the distance.
The officer handed the trick ‘r treat bags to his partner, “Hold these and watch him.” He put a hand on his gun and headed for a door off the living room.
“You can’t go in there without a search warrant.” The hotdog said.
“Don’t you know inviting a cop into your house renders you powerless? It’s all the same rules as vampires,” the partner said.
Opening the door, the smell hit the officer. He choked back vomit.
There were several men and women, stripped naked, bound to chairs. Above their heads were feedbags and a length of garden hose shoved into their mouths. The throat deep garden hoses hummed for help, it was the most they could do. Under the hostages’ chairs buckets collected.
“I think we hit the mother load.”
